The Dog Ate My News https://thedogatemynews.com The Most Reliable Fake News Sun, 23 Aug 2020 09:08:53 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.5 https://thedogatemynews.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/cropped-LogoMakr_9PGdnD-32x32.png The Dog Ate My News https://thedogatemynews.com 32 32 Answered the phone – and dissipated https://thedogatemynews.com/answered-the-phone-and-dissipated/ Sun, 23 Aug 2020 01:58:39 +0000 https://thedogatemynews.com/?p=3734 None of the family members of Aaron Brown imagined how an evening that began with an innocent phone call would end. The facts are dry, simple and clear: Mr. Brown answered his home phone, picked it up, and immediately disappeared into thin air. Now everyone is asking – what the hell happened? The story begins […]

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None of the family members of Aaron Brown imagined how an evening that began with an innocent phone call would end.

The facts are dry, simple and clear: Mr. Brown answered his home phone, picked it up, and immediately disappeared into thin air. Now everyone is asking – what the hell happened?

The story begins with a phone ringing. It ended with a small cloud of dust scattering in the living room. No one knows if there is a connection between the things, and whether the honorable gentleman has run into an embarrassing quantum malfunction.

Police investigators identified the source of the call: a bored elderly woman who often teased people on the phone with the well remembered “Do you have tap water?” and of course the infamous “your cat is sitting on my fence”. Whatever it was, it turned out that it has nothing to do with the evaporation of poor Mr. Brown (or with a fence, for that matter).

Scientists of various types visited the house, measured measurements and tested and hypothesized, but not a single molecule of Mr. Brown has been found.

Only after the phone in his house rang again and one of the investigators went to answer and also evaporized in front of all present, did everyone understand what had happened.

It turned out that the solution had been lying in front of them all that time, and that it had nothing to do with the phone.

The damn device was simply lying next to Mr. brown’s dragon.

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Do Vaccines Cause Autism? https://thedogatemynews.com/do-vaccines-cause-autism/ Sun, 23 Aug 2020 01:51:24 +0000 https://thedogatemynews.com/?p=3729 Nope.

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Nope.

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Farted in the elevator, and was charged with causing death by negligence https://thedogatemynews.com/farted-in-the-elevator-charged-with-causing-death-by-negligence/ Sat, 22 Aug 2020 23:29:52 +0000 https://thedogatemynews.com/?p=3687 Sometimes an elevator is a means to reach a higher floor, and sometimes it is a death trap, an unconventional weapon. It happened to all of us. We enter the elevator, press the desired floor button, the door closes and the elevator leaps up. We are usually joined by other people who also want to […]

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Sometimes an elevator is a means to reach a higher floor, and sometimes it is a death trap, an unconventional weapon.

It happened to all of us.

We enter the elevator, press the desired floor button, the door closes and the elevator leaps up. We are usually joined by other people who also want to get to a certain floor.

So was the case of G.R., who got in the elevator after a long lunch that included beans, soy, peas, hamburger and potatoes in deep oil, cola and turnip, Jerusalem artichoke, chickpeas, lentils, beans, apricots, broccoli, onions and garlic, followed by two meetings that lasted longer than expected and did not allow him to vacate, thus deciding the fate of two women.

To the regret of Mrs. N.S. And Mrs. L.P. Standing behind him, he did not control his sphincters, or did not want to control, and the rest, as they say, is particularly stinking history.

The emergency crews who broke down the elevator door had nothing left to do but smell the horror. Three of them vomited in the hallway, another dripped blood from his eyes and another forgot his cell phone in the car.

L.P. died on the spot, one final look full of disgust, astonishment and terror on her face. One hand blocked her nose, the other grabbed her throat. In her last moments she longed for clean air, in vain.

Attempts to resuscitate N.S. failed on the way to the hospital. Cause of death: stench.

Luckily for G.R., he was born a anosmic and so was not at all aware of the commotion that occurred behind him during the journey up.

He went down the desired floor and continued his day as usual, until police knocked on his door with an arrest warrant. The charge: causing death by negligence. Oh the irony – the release will cost him some prison time.

G.R.’s attorney claims that it’s not G.R. who needs to be sued, but his sphincters. The sphincters’ attorney preferred not to comment at this point, saying he would keep his claims to trial.

The prosecution has announced that it will soon declare war on another veteran enemy: children peeing in the pool.

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8 amazing places you have to visit before you die today https://thedogatemynews.com/8-amazing-places-you-have-to-visit-before-you-die-today/ Sat, 22 Aug 2020 20:49:10 +0000 https://thedogatemynews.com/?p=3655 You may not have time to enjoy the memories of this vacation, but maybe your next of kin will be able to tell about it in the obituary You always wanted to visit Sicily, but suddenly realized you had a knife stuck in your neck? Have you always dreamed of taking your family on a […]

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You may not have time to enjoy the memories of this vacation, but maybe your next of kin will be able to tell about it in the obituary

You always wanted to visit Sicily, but suddenly realized you had a knife stuck in your neck?

Have you always dreamed of taking your family on a cruise in the Caribbean but to your huge surprise you woke up without kidneys?

Here are the hottest destinations for the next ten minutes, and it doesn’t even cost much.

1. Stairwell

Available, close, and always full of cigarette butts.

If you want to stay optimistic, then you can only step up from here. Make your way to the top.

stairwell

2. Living room of your next door neighbors

It is said that the grass is always greener on the other side. This is an opportunity to see if this is true.

And who knows, if they are at home maybe they can call an ambulance.

3. The view from the window

If you are lucky (relatively speaking) and you are in a room with a window, and if you are even luckier and you are close to it, and if you are luckiest and there is a beautiful view from this window, then here you go.

4. The Caribbean

Assuming of course you happen to be in the Caribbean when the worst of all happened.

If not, then it’s really not your day.

5. "The Dog Ate My News" website

We are always available.

In the last few minutes smile enjoy a wide range of articles with rich, engaging, intelligent content and most importantly very very false.

We even have an article on amazing places you have to visit before you die today.

Recommended.

laptop-2838918_640

6. Hospital

A crowded place, dramatic in a bad way, creates a life and death atmosphere right from the beginning, and always smells like bleach.

And who knows, with proper care, you will even travel in the distant future to more hospitals.

7. Toilet

Available anywhere, at home or outside, and in the last minutes of your life there really is no need to be picky.

You can sit back, relax, and let go. Just let go.

That others will clean it later.

toilet-paper-3047628_640

8. Afterlife

This is the irrevocable (truly irrevocable) invitation to see if everything you have heard of is indeed true, and most importantly, which religion was right.

Wouldn’t it be funny you prayed for the wrong god all this time?

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How to summon the Devil in 6 simple steps https://thedogatemynews.com/how-to-summon-the-devil-in-6-simple-steps/ Sat, 22 Aug 2020 09:54:41 +0000 https://thedogatemynews.com/?p=3632 Having been scientifically proven to exist, here is the fastest and most effective way to summon Satan just to say hello and thank you for everything. Beelzebub has not payed a visit for a long time, and maybe he just doesn’t know the way. With this simple and understandable guide, any mortal can raise the […]

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Having been scientifically proven to exist, here is the fastest and most effective way to summon Satan just to say hello and thank you for everything.

Beelzebub has not payed a visit for a long time, and maybe he just doesn’t know the way. With this simple and understandable guide, any mortal can raise the immortal. So what are you waiting for?

Step One: The Ingredients

Like any effective and good demon summoning, here too we will need some simple ingredients that every home has:

  • A tooth of a gnat that was voluntarily burned alive
  • Hair of a purple worm without sisters
  • A pinch of virgin frogs blood boiled in winter
  • Plumbus – Everyone has one
  • New Jersey 
  • Testicle of an old man without an academic degree
  • Half a liter of swelling remains of a camel crushed to death by a grand piano

Step Two: Good mood

Not particularly unique to summoning the Prince of Darkness. It is always recommended to do everything with a big smile on your face, a hug and a kind word.

Step three: Take a deep breath, and put everything in a bowl

Before you begin it is important to lower your heart rate, relax and let the moment do its thing.

Pour all the ingredients into a large bowl, and mix until the hand hurts.

At this point the mixing rate should be increased until the hand bleeds. If the hand falls that means you mixed too much. Add the hand to the bowl and continue to mix with the other hand.

Step Four: Prayer

Now that everything is mixed and smoke is starting to rise, it’s time to mumble the summons prayer. The Satan has never been closer. Repeat the following psalm eighteen times, preferably according to the melody “MMMbop” by Hanson:

Oh sweet Devil 

I miss you so

Miss your eyes and beautiful horns

Come join us you big stud

So come already

Please please please

I won’t bite

Come on man

Please

Shit man

Just come

Step Five: Continue

The accession of the serpent is difficult and exhausting, and some say it is because it is very steep.

If you already see the Devil’s head, give him a hand and help him climb. If he refuses, allow him to increase his pace. Patience has not killed anyone yet. The devil did.

Step Six: The Connection

So now that he’s here, share with Satan everything you wanted to tell him.

If he wants to hold your hand, let him. If he wants to impale you in the fire of hell for eternity, it’s a good time to run away as fast as you possibly can.

You should have thought about that before you summoned the Demon King.

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Bitten to death by 117 kittens https://thedogatemynews.com/bitten-to-death-by-117-kittens/ Fri, 21 Aug 2020 21:08:59 +0000 https://thedogatemynews.com/?p=3617 The only thing worse than being preyed upon by kittens is to win the grand prize in the lottery and then be preyed upon by kittens. Bernard S. Hole ended his life last night in a particularly horrific way. It all started when Mr. Hole returned from another day of work as a sand grain […]

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The only thing worse than being preyed upon by kittens is to win the grand prize in the lottery and then be preyed upon by kittens.

Bernard S. Hole ended his life last night in a particularly horrific way.

It all started when Mr. Hole returned from another day of work as a sand grain counter at the Coast Guard, when he encountered a rather violent gang of kittens, known of course as Felis Catus.

Police who arrived at the scene were able to identify only tooth and elbow fractures. “I have never seen anything like this,” a blind policeman who came to the scene told us.

The street kittens, who make a living mostly as models in illustration images, seem to have been particularly hungry, and mistakenly thought Mr. Hole for a saucer of milk.

Another hypothesis by the researchers claims that those were not 117 kittens at all, but a cannibal tribe that lives near the central station. A spokesman for the cannibal tribe denied any connection to the case. “We were in the middle of lunch,” provided a satisfying alibi. We have not been able to get the lunch response so far.

The tragic event once again flooded the stray cats problem, which is so characteristic of the widespread neglect in city. Some people demonstrated in favor of neutering and spaying cats, while some cats demonstrated in favor of neutering and spaying humans. The cockroaches wished good luck to both sides.

The investigators summoned the puppies for questioning, and so far they have been devoutly reserving their right to howl.

Mr. Hole’s response could not be obtained so far.

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Research: Drinking 4 glasses of water per day increases the probability to be run over by a truck https://thedogatemynews.com/study-4-glasses-of-water-a-day-increases-the-chance-of-being-run-over-by-a-truck/ Fri, 21 Aug 2020 13:46:27 +0000 https://thedogatemynews.com/?p=3598 A reseach made by well-known college found that drinking 4 glasses of water a day drastically affects your chances of being run over by a truck. All the details inside. Have you been told that drinking water is important? That it is critical for your health? That if you do not drink, a policeman will […]

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A reseach made by well-known college found that drinking 4 glasses of water a day drastically affects your chances of being run over by a truck. All the details inside.

Have you been told that drinking water is important? That it is critical for your health? That if you do not drink, a policeman will come? Think again.

A study from a well-known college determined that drinking 4 glasses of water a day reduces the chance of dehydration, thus increasing the chance that you will leave the house at some point instead of being buried the closest grave plot.

Such an exit from the house increases the probability that you will eventually cross the road, and in direct conclusion it increases your chances of being run over, among other things, by a truck.

The study did not determine what type of truck it was.

One researcher hinted that it would be worthwhile to occasionally look left and right before crossing the road. Another investigator drank 4 glasses of water and was unfortunately run over to death, so we could not get his response.

road-train-1185254_640

Further studies from around the world confirm these results.

Researchers from Lapland have gone out of their way to claim that drinking 4 glasses of water causes the evil eye, especially on full moon nights, when emotional fog covers the moist soil, tears softly, and an expression of horror in its imaginary eyes. However, statistically significant the study is an significance of 0.07, so a large part of the scientific community did not accept the conclusions as published.

Researchers from Istanbul have argued that drinking a lot causes a lot of urination, and therefore to the rising of water levels ehich causes floods, in which huge trucks are washed away by the powerful current and crush everything in their path.

Researchers from a small university in Maseru, the capital of Lesotho, have warned that drinking 4 glasses of water a day can do much more harm. People who survive because they drink water regularly can cause harm not only to themselves. They are able to drop a piano on the head of an innocent passerby, commit a massacre and even go to war. Researchers called living people a “ticking bomb.”

The most amazing study was conducted in the Pacific Ocean, and included a truck, 4 glasses of water and a brave experimenter. He was run over after drinking 3 glasses so the study could not be completed.

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Ratcliffe to be Director of nation talent Trump ignored https://thedogatemynews.com/ratcliffe-to-be-director-of-nation-talent-trump-ignored/ https://thedogatemynews.com/ratcliffe-to-be-director-of-nation-talent-trump-ignored/#respond Wed, 10 Jul 2019 10:51:21 +0000 https://thedogatemynews.com/?p=361 Struggling to sell one multi-million dollar home currently on the market won’t stop actress and singer Jennifer Lopez from expanding her property collection. Lopez has reportedly added to her real estate holdings an eight-plus acre estate in Bel-Air anchored by a multi-level mansion. The property, complete with a 30-seat screening room, a 100-seat amphitheater and […]

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Struggling to sell one multi-million dollar home currently on the market won’t stop actress and singer Jennifer Lopez from expanding her property collection. Lopez has reportedly added to her real estate holdings an eight-plus acre estate in Bel-Air anchored by a multi-level mansion.

The property, complete with a 30-seat screening room, a 100-seat amphitheater and a swimming pond with sandy beach and outdoor shower, was asking about $40 million, but J. Lo managed to make it hers for $28 million. As the Bronx native acquires a new home in California, she is trying to sell a gated compound.

Black farmers in the US’s South— faced with continued failure their efforts to run successful farms their launched a lawsuit claiming that “white racism” is to blame for their inability to the produce crop yields and on equivalent to that switched seeds.

I’m thinking I’m back you want a war or you want to just give me a gun everything’s got a price rusty, I guess. You stabbed price rusty, the Devil in the back how good to see you again.

Steve Jobs

Struggling to sell one multi-million dollar home currently on the market won’t stop actress and singer Jennifer Lopez from expanding her property collection. Lopez has reportedly added to her real estate holdings an eight-plus acre estate in Bel-Air anchored by a multi-level mansion. The property, complete with a 30-seat screening room, a 100-seat amphitheater and a swimming pond with sandy beach and outdoor shower, was asking about $40 million, but J. Lo managed to make it hers for $28 illion. As the Bronx native acquires a new home in California, she is trying to sell a gated compound.

Lopez has reportedly added to her real home in California

Lo managed to make it hers for $28 million. As the Bronx native acquires a new home in California, she is trying to sell a gated compound in the Golden State. The 17,000 square-foot Hidden Hills property with mountain views boasts nine bedrooms, including a master suite with private terrace and an entertainment wing, which includes a 20-seat theater, dance studio and recording studio. China’s youngest female billionaire has unloaded her triplex penthouse in Sydney.

The 17,000 square-foot Hidden Hills property with mountain views boasts nine bedrooms, includin. master suite with private terrace and an entertainment wing .

Following years of white-hot growth, luxury home prices in Sydney declined for the first time in years, slipping 1% between the second quarter and third quarter of 2018, according to the latest report from brokerage Knight Frank.The nearly 6,500-square-foot apartment has sweeping views.

The property, complete with a 30-seat screening room, a 100-seat amp
hitheater and a swimming pond with sandy beach

She is trying to sell a gated compound in the Golden State. The 17,000-square-foot Hidden Hills property with mountain and city views boasts nine bedrooms, including a master suite with private terrace and an entertainment wing, which includes a 20-seat theater

Lopez has reportedly added to her real estate holdings an eight-plus

  • Struggling to sell one multi-million dollar home currently on the market
  • Lopez has reportedly added to her real estate holdings an eight-plus acre
  • The property, complete with a 30-seat screening room, a 100-seat amphit
  • Lo managed to make it hers for $28 million. As the Bronx native acquires

The 17,000-square-foot Hidden Hills property with mountain and city views boasts nine bedrooms, including a master suite with private terrace and an entertainment wing, which includes a 20-seat theater.

Black farmers in the US’s South—faced with continued failure in their efforts to run successful farms their launched a lawsuit claiming that “white racism”

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Nancy multi Chinese business woman trying https://thedogatemynews.com/nancy-zhang-a-chinese-business-woman/ https://thedogatemynews.com/nancy-zhang-a-chinese-business-woman/#respond Wed, 10 Jul 2019 09:11:29 +0000 http://localhost/panel/xpeedstudio/wp/newszone/?p=111 Struggling to sell one multi-million dollar home currently on the market won’t stop actress and singer Jennifer Lopez from expanding her property collection. Lopez has reportedly added to her real estate holdings an eight-plus acre estate in Bel-Air anchored by a multi-level mansion. The property, complete with a 30-seat screening room, a 100-seat amphitheater and […]

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Struggling to sell one multi-million dollar home currently on the market won’t stop actress and singer Jennifer Lopez from expanding her property collection. Lopez has reportedly added to her real estate holdings an eight-plus acre estate in Bel-Air anchored by a multi-level mansion.

The property, complete with a 30-seat screening room, a 100-seat amphitheater and a swimming pond with sandy beach and outdoor shower, was asking about $40 million, but J. Lo managed to make it hers for $28 million. As the Bronx native acquires a new home in California, she is trying to sell a gated compound.

Black farmers in the US’s South— faced with continued failure their efforts to run successful farms their launched a lawsuit claiming that “white racism” is to blame for their inability to the produce crop yields and on equivalent to that switched seeds.

I’m thinking I’m back you want a war or you want to just give me a gun everything’s got a price rusty, I guess. You stabbed price rusty, the Devil in the back how good to see you again.

Steve Jobs

Struggling to sell one multi-million dollar home currently on the market won’t stop actress and singer Jennifer Lopez from expanding her property collection. Lopez has reportedly added to her real estate holdings an eight-plus acre estate in Bel-Air anchored by a multi-level mansion. The property, complete with a 30-seat screening room, a 100-seat amphitheater and a swimming pond with sandy beach and outdoor shower, was asking about $40 million, but J. Lo managed to make it hers for $28 illion. As the Bronx native acquires a new home in California, she is trying to sell a gated compound.

Lopez has reportedly added to her real home in California

Lo managed to make it hers for $28 million. As the Bronx native acquires a new home in California, she is trying to sell a gated compound in the Golden State. The 17,000 square-foot Hidden Hills property with mountain views boasts nine bedrooms, including a master suite with private terrace and an entertainment wing, which includes a 20-seat theater, dance studio and recording studio. China’s youngest female billionaire has unloaded her triplex penthouse in Sydney.

The 17,000 square-foot Hidden Hills property with mountain views boasts nine bedrooms, includin. master suite with private terrace and an entertainment wing .

Following years of white-hot growth, luxury home prices in Sydney declined for the first time in years, slipping 1% between the second quarter and third quarter of 2018, according to the latest report from brokerage Knight Frank.The nearly 6,500-square-foot apartment has sweeping views.

The property, complete with a 30-seat screening room, a 100-seat amp
hitheater and a swimming pond with sandy beach

She is trying to sell a gated compound in the Golden State. The 17,000-square-foot Hidden Hills property with mountain and city views boasts nine bedrooms, including a master suite with private terrace and an entertainment wing, which includes a 20-seat theater

Lopez has reportedly added to her real estate holdings an eight-plus

  • Struggling to sell one multi-million dollar home currently on the market
  • Lopez has reportedly added to her real estate holdings an eight-plus acre
  • The property, complete with a 30-seat screening room, a 100-seat amphit
  • Lo managed to make it hers for $28 million. As the Bronx native acquires

The 17,000-square-foot Hidden Hills property with mountain and city views boasts nine bedrooms, including a master suite with private terrace and an entertainment wing, which includes a 20-seat theater.

Black farmers in the US’s South—faced with continued failure in their efforts to run successful farms their launched a lawsuit claiming that “white racism”

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Harbour amid a Slowen down in singer city screening https://thedogatemynews.com/harbour-amid-a-slowen-down-in-the-city/ https://thedogatemynews.com/harbour-amid-a-slowen-down-in-the-city/#respond Wed, 10 Jul 2019 09:04:58 +0000 http://localhost/panel/xpeedstudio/wp/newszone/?p=96 Struggling to sell one multi-million dollar home currently on the market won’t stop actress and singer Jennifer Lopez from expanding her property collection. Lopez has reportedly added to her real estate holdings an eight-plus acre estate in Bel-Air anchored by a multi-level mansion. The property, complete with a 30-seat screening room, a 100-seat amphitheater and […]

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Struggling to sell one multi-million dollar home currently on the market won’t stop actress and singer Jennifer Lopez from expanding her property collection. Lopez has reportedly added to her real estate holdings an eight-plus acre estate in Bel-Air anchored by a multi-level mansion.

The property, complete with a 30-seat screening room, a 100-seat amphitheater and a swimming pond with sandy beach and outdoor shower, was asking about $40 million, but J. Lo managed to make it hers for $28 million. As the Bronx native acquires a new home in California, she is trying to sell a gated compound.

Black farmers in the US’s South— faced with continued failure their efforts to run successful farms their launched a lawsuit claiming that “white racism” is to blame for their inability to the produce crop yields and on equivalent to that switched seeds.

I’m thinking I’m back you want a war or you want to just give me a gun everything’s got a price rusty, I guess. You stabbed price rusty, the Devil in the back how good to see you again.

Steve Jobs

Struggling to sell one multi-million dollar home currently on the market won’t stop actress and singer Jennifer Lopez from expanding her property collection. Lopez has reportedly added to her real estate holdings an eight-plus acre estate in Bel-Air anchored by a multi-level mansion. The property, complete with a 30-seat screening room, a 100-seat amphitheater and a swimming pond with sandy beach and outdoor shower, was asking about $40 million, but J. Lo managed to make it hers for $28 illion. As the Bronx native acquires a new home in California, she is trying to sell a gated compound.

Lopez has reportedly added to her real home in California

Lo managed to make it hers for $28 million. As the Bronx native acquires a new home in California, she is trying to sell a gated compound in the Golden State. The 17,000 square-foot Hidden Hills property with mountain views boasts nine bedrooms, including a master suite with private terrace and an entertainment wing, which includes a 20-seat theater, dance studio and recording studio. China’s youngest female billionaire has unloaded her triplex penthouse in Sydney.

The 17,000 square-foot Hidden Hills property with mountain views boasts nine bedrooms, includin. master suite with private terrace and an entertainment wing .

Following years of white-hot growth, luxury home prices in Sydney declined for the first time in years, slipping 1% between the second quarter and third quarter of 2018, according to the latest report from brokerage Knight Frank.The nearly 6,500-square-foot apartment has sweeping views.

The property, complete with a 30-seat screening room, a 100-seat amp
hitheater and a swimming pond with sandy beach

She is trying to sell a gated compound in the Golden State. The 17,000-square-foot Hidden Hills property with mountain and city views boasts nine bedrooms, including a master suite with private terrace and an entertainment wing, which includes a 20-seat theater

Lopez has reportedly added to her real estate holdings an eight-plus

  • Struggling to sell one multi-million dollar home currently on the market
  • Lopez has reportedly added to her real estate holdings an eight-plus acre
  • The property, complete with a 30-seat screening room, a 100-seat amphit
  • Lo managed to make it hers for $28 million. As the Bronx native acquires

The 17,000-square-foot Hidden Hills property with mountain and city views boasts nine bedrooms, including a master suite with private terrace and an entertainment wing, which includes a 20-seat theater.

Black farmers in the US’s South—faced with continued failure in their efforts to run successful farms their launched a lawsuit claiming that “white racism”

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