Old News – The Dog Ate My News https://thedogatemynews.com The Most Reliable Fake News Sun, 23 Aug 2020 09:08:53 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.5.1 https://thedogatemynews.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/cropped-LogoMakr_9PGdnD-32x32.png Old News – The Dog Ate My News https://thedogatemynews.com 32 32 Do Vaccines Cause Autism? https://thedogatemynews.com/do-vaccines-cause-autism/ Sun, 23 Aug 2020 01:51:24 +0000 https://thedogatemynews.com/?p=3729 Nope.

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Nope.

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Farted in the elevator, and was charged with causing death by negligence https://thedogatemynews.com/farted-in-the-elevator-charged-with-causing-death-by-negligence/ Sat, 22 Aug 2020 23:29:52 +0000 https://thedogatemynews.com/?p=3687 Sometimes an elevator is a means to reach a higher floor, and sometimes it is a death trap, an unconventional weapon. It happened to all of us. We enter the elevator, press the desired floor button, the door closes and the elevator leaps up. We are usually joined by other people who also want to […]

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Sometimes an elevator is a means to reach a higher floor, and sometimes it is a death trap, an unconventional weapon.

It happened to all of us.

We enter the elevator, press the desired floor button, the door closes and the elevator leaps up. We are usually joined by other people who also want to get to a certain floor.

So was the case of G.R., who got in the elevator after a long lunch that included beans, soy, peas, hamburger and potatoes in deep oil, cola and turnip, Jerusalem artichoke, chickpeas, lentils, beans, apricots, broccoli, onions and garlic, followed by two meetings that lasted longer than expected and did not allow him to vacate, thus deciding the fate of two women.

To the regret of Mrs. N.S. And Mrs. L.P. Standing behind him, he did not control his sphincters, or did not want to control, and the rest, as they say, is particularly stinking history.

The emergency crews who broke down the elevator door had nothing left to do but smell the horror. Three of them vomited in the hallway, another dripped blood from his eyes and another forgot his cell phone in the car.

L.P. died on the spot, one final look full of disgust, astonishment and terror on her face. One hand blocked her nose, the other grabbed her throat. In her last moments she longed for clean air, in vain.

Attempts to resuscitate N.S. failed on the way to the hospital. Cause of death: stench.

Luckily for G.R., he was born a anosmic and so was not at all aware of the commotion that occurred behind him during the journey up.

He went down the desired floor and continued his day as usual, until police knocked on his door with an arrest warrant. The charge: causing death by negligence. Oh the irony – the release will cost him some prison time.

G.R.’s attorney claims that it’s not G.R. who needs to be sued, but his sphincters. The sphincters’ attorney preferred not to comment at this point, saying he would keep his claims to trial.

The prosecution has announced that it will soon declare war on another veteran enemy: children peeing in the pool.

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How to summon the Devil in 6 simple steps https://thedogatemynews.com/how-to-summon-the-devil-in-6-simple-steps/ Sat, 22 Aug 2020 09:54:41 +0000 https://thedogatemynews.com/?p=3632 Having been scientifically proven to exist, here is the fastest and most effective way to summon Satan just to say hello and thank you for everything. Beelzebub has not payed a visit for a long time, and maybe he just doesn’t know the way. With this simple and understandable guide, any mortal can raise the […]

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Having been scientifically proven to exist, here is the fastest and most effective way to summon Satan just to say hello and thank you for everything.

Beelzebub has not payed a visit for a long time, and maybe he just doesn’t know the way. With this simple and understandable guide, any mortal can raise the immortal. So what are you waiting for?

Step One: The Ingredients

Like any effective and good demon summoning, here too we will need some simple ingredients that every home has:

  • A tooth of a gnat that was voluntarily burned alive
  • Hair of a purple worm without sisters
  • A pinch of virgin frogs blood boiled in winter
  • Plumbus – Everyone has one
  • New Jersey 
  • Testicle of an old man without an academic degree
  • Half a liter of swelling remains of a camel crushed to death by a grand piano

Step Two: Good mood

Not particularly unique to summoning the Prince of Darkness. It is always recommended to do everything with a big smile on your face, a hug and a kind word.

Step three: Take a deep breath, and put everything in a bowl

Before you begin it is important to lower your heart rate, relax and let the moment do its thing.

Pour all the ingredients into a large bowl, and mix until the hand hurts.

At this point the mixing rate should be increased until the hand bleeds. If the hand falls that means you mixed too much. Add the hand to the bowl and continue to mix with the other hand.

Step Four: Prayer

Now that everything is mixed and smoke is starting to rise, it’s time to mumble the summons prayer. The Satan has never been closer. Repeat the following psalm eighteen times, preferably according to the melody “MMMbop” by Hanson:

Oh sweet Devil 

I miss you so

Miss your eyes and beautiful horns

Come join us you big stud

So come already

Please please please

I won’t bite

Come on man

Please

Shit man

Just come

Step Five: Continue

The accession of the serpent is difficult and exhausting, and some say it is because it is very steep.

If you already see the Devil’s head, give him a hand and help him climb. If he refuses, allow him to increase his pace. Patience has not killed anyone yet. The devil did.

Step Six: The Connection

So now that he’s here, share with Satan everything you wanted to tell him.

If he wants to hold your hand, let him. If he wants to impale you in the fire of hell for eternity, it’s a good time to run away as fast as you possibly can.

You should have thought about that before you summoned the Demon King.

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