Bad News – The Dog Ate My News

Conquered Everest at 97, but got bored of the scenery and jumped

thedog_admin — Fri, 11 Sep 2020 09:22:16 +0000

"The journey, not the destination, matters" - said the poet and playwright T. S. Elliott. Tell that to Joachim Splitz who preferred to make the fast way down

Joachim Splitz celebrated his birthday about a month ago, when the children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren had to watch him try in vain to blow out 97 candles.

“I have a dream,” he surprised them, “and if my bladder allows, I will also go out to fulfill it.”

He took off a week later with a special expedition to the famous mountain. The Himalayan mountain range was about to receive an special visitor.

Preparations for the trip took a little longer as Mr. Splitz spent most of his time sleeping and burping in the sanctuary at the foot of the Nepalese mountain.

The delegation left early in the morning. Mr. Splitz boarded the eight-morning train and joined the others.

The air was thin and cold, and strong winds blew away his last set of teeth. The summit was closer than ever and Mr Splitz continued step by step, walking stick after walking stick and nurse after nurse.

It was evening when he finally reached the top of the mountain, the clouds at his feet, and only the wind whistled in his right ear, the one that did not fall due to the cold and the ailments of age.

Mr. Splitz looked around. He stood at the top of the world, but the view was not to his liking. “What’s all this crappy white down there?” Grumbled to his Filipino nurse. “It’s just mountains and white and gray rocks, and no women. Bye bye.” These were the last words of Mr. Joachim Splitz.

According to the only eyewitness, Mr. Splitz just jumped from the summit down. Due to his advanced age, dilapidated physical condition, loose health and exhaustion, Mr. Splitz cracked his thigh when he finally crashed on the mountainside, and paramedics had to bandage him in an elastic bandage. Later that evening he died of a cold.

His children preferred to bury him at the foot of the mountain he so loved from afar, and disappointed from up close.

The post Conquered Everest at 97, but got bored of the scenery and jumped appeared first on The Dog Ate My News.

Answered the phone – and dissipated

thedog_admin — Fri, 11 Sep 2020 01:58:39 +0000

None of the family members of Aaron Brown imagined how an evening that began with an innocent phone call would end.

The facts are dry, simple and clear: Mr. Brown answered his home phone, picked it up, and immediately disappeared into thin air. Now everyone is asking – what the hell happened?

The story begins with a phone ringing. It ended with a small cloud of dust scattering in the living room. No one knows if there is a connection between the things, and whether the honorable gentleman has run into an embarrassing quantum malfunction.

Police investigators identified the source of the call: a bored elderly woman who often teased people on the phone with the well remembered “Do you have tap water?” and of course the infamous “your cat is sitting on my fence”. Whatever it was, it turned out that it has nothing to do with the evaporation of poor Mr. Brown (or with a fence, for that matter).

Scientists of various types visited the house, measured measurements and tested and hypothesized, but not a single molecule of Mr. Brown has been found.

Only after the phone in his house rang again and one of the investigators went to answer and also evaporized in front of all present, did everyone understand what had happened.

It turned out that the solution had been lying in front of them all that time, and that it had nothing to do with the phone.

The damn device was simply lying next to Mr. brown’s dragon.

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Bitten to death by 117 kittens

thedog_admin — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 21:08:59 +0000

The only thing worse than being preyed upon by kittens is to win the grand prize in the lottery and then be preyed upon by kittens.

Bernard S. Hole ended his life last night in a particularly horrific way.

It all started when Mr. Hole returned from another day of work as a sand grain counter at the Coast Guard, when he encountered a rather violent gang of kittens, known of course as Felis Catus.

Police who arrived at the scene were able to identify only tooth and elbow fractures. “I have never seen anything like this,” a blind policeman who came to the scene told us.

The street kittens, who make a living mostly as models in illustration images, seem to have been particularly hungry, and mistakenly thought Mr. Hole for a saucer of milk.

Another hypothesis by the researchers claims that those were not 117 kittens at all, but a cannibal tribe that lives near the central station. A spokesman for the cannibal tribe denied any connection to the case. “We were in the middle of lunch,” provided a satisfying alibi. We have not been able to get the lunch response so far.

The tragic event once again flooded the stray cats problem, which is so characteristic of the widespread neglect in city. Some people demonstrated in favor of neutering and spaying cats, while some cats demonstrated in favor of neutering and spaying humans. The cockroaches wished good luck to both sides.

The investigators summoned the puppies for questioning, and so far they have been devoutly reserving their right to howl.

Mr. Hole’s response could not be obtained so far.

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