thedog_admin – The Dog Ate My News

7 good reasons to give up

thedog_admin — Mon, 14 Sep 2020 11:06:58 +0000

Feeling that everything is a waste of time? You're probably right. With these insights you can give up effortlessly.

1. A million years from now, there will be no documentation that you have ever existed

The truth is that within a few decades of your death, you will no longer exist in the memory of anyone else. In a hundred years, almost no documentation of you will survive and in a million years, nothing in terms of the universe’s age, de facto you never have existed

2. The human is a stupid animal

Humans, known mostly by their scientific nicknames Homo sapiens sapiens, are animals walking on two that believe until their last day to everything that will be told to them enough times in the first years of their life.

Dogs, for example, or cockroaches, do not fall captive to brainwashing, making them automatically superior to the sapiens.

3. Nothing will happen if you do nothing

In general, nothing happens if nothing happens (except at the quantum level, but that is the subject of another lack of motivation article).

It’s a matter of simple logic.

4. If it is not broken - do not repair it

You can fight any motivational quote. For example the well-known saying by Thomas Jefferson:

I’m a Great Believer in Luck. The Harder I Work, the More Luck I Have

So please know that the fortunes of former President Jefferson ended when he died in 1826 of rheumatism, intestinal and urinary problems, when he was in debt.

5. Actually doing something can be very tiring

The cemeteries are full of motivated people who took advantage of every second of their lives and did something for themselves and for humanity. Many of them got so tired that within a few decades their heart just couldn’t stand it anymore.

Do not say that we didn’t warn you.

6. The chance of being run over by a truck drops miraculously in inaction

It doesn’t matter if you drink or do not drink 4 glasses of water a day, your chances of being run over by a truck of any size will drop miraculously if you just stay home and never try anything.

7. Give up is very 2020

The field of giving up has improved miraculously in the last twenty years with the rise of the “I’m entitled” generation and reached its peak in 2020 in the corona crisis when even less can be done than actually we planned.

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Conquered Everest at 97, but got bored of the scenery and jumped

thedog_admin — Fri, 11 Sep 2020 09:22:16 +0000

"The journey, not the destination, matters" - said the poet and playwright T. S. Elliott. Tell that to Joachim Splitz who preferred to make the fast way down

Joachim Splitz celebrated his birthday about a month ago, when the children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren had to watch him try in vain to blow out 97 candles.

“I have a dream,” he surprised them, “and if my bladder allows, I will also go out to fulfill it.”

He took off a week later with a special expedition to the famous mountain. The Himalayan mountain range was about to receive an special visitor.

Preparations for the trip took a little longer as Mr. Splitz spent most of his time sleeping and burping in the sanctuary at the foot of the Nepalese mountain.

The delegation left early in the morning. Mr. Splitz boarded the eight-morning train and joined the others.

The air was thin and cold, and strong winds blew away his last set of teeth. The summit was closer than ever and Mr Splitz continued step by step, walking stick after walking stick and nurse after nurse.

It was evening when he finally reached the top of the mountain, the clouds at his feet, and only the wind whistled in his right ear, the one that did not fall due to the cold and the ailments of age.

Mr. Splitz looked around. He stood at the top of the world, but the view was not to his liking. “What’s all this crappy white down there?” Grumbled to his Filipino nurse. “It’s just mountains and white and gray rocks, and no women. Bye bye.” These were the last words of Mr. Joachim Splitz.

According to the only eyewitness, Mr. Splitz just jumped from the summit down. Due to his advanced age, dilapidated physical condition, loose health and exhaustion, Mr. Splitz cracked his thigh when he finally crashed on the mountainside, and paramedics had to bandage him in an elastic bandage. Later that evening he died of a cold.

His children preferred to bury him at the foot of the mountain he so loved from afar, and disappointed from up close.

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Answered the phone – and dissipated

thedog_admin — Fri, 11 Sep 2020 01:58:39 +0000

None of the family members of Aaron Brown imagined how an evening that began with an innocent phone call would end.

The facts are dry, simple and clear: Mr. Brown answered his home phone, picked it up, and immediately disappeared into thin air. Now everyone is asking – what the hell happened?

The story begins with a phone ringing. It ended with a small cloud of dust scattering in the living room. No one knows if there is a connection between the things, and whether the honorable gentleman has run into an embarrassing quantum malfunction.

Police investigators identified the source of the call: a bored elderly woman who often teased people on the phone with the well remembered “Do you have tap water?” and of course the infamous “your cat is sitting on my fence”. Whatever it was, it turned out that it has nothing to do with the evaporation of poor Mr. Brown (or with a fence, for that matter).

Scientists of various types visited the house, measured measurements and tested and hypothesized, but not a single molecule of Mr. Brown has been found.

Only after the phone in his house rang again and one of the investigators went to answer and also evaporized in front of all present, did everyone understand what had happened.

It turned out that the solution had been lying in front of them all that time, and that it had nothing to do with the phone.

The damn device was simply lying next to Mr. brown’s dragon.

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Do Vaccines Cause Autism?

thedog_admin — Thu, 10 Sep 2020 01:51:24 +0000

Nope.

The post Do Vaccines Cause Autism? appeared first on The Dog Ate My News.

Farted in the elevator, and was charged with causing death by negligence

thedog_admin — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 23:29:52 +0000

Sometimes an elevator is a means to reach a higher floor, and sometimes it is a death trap, an unconventional weapon.

It happened to all of us.

We enter the elevator, press the desired floor button, the door closes and the elevator leaps up. We are usually joined by other people who also want to get to a certain floor.

So was the case of G.R., who got in the elevator after a long lunch that included beans, soy, peas, hamburger and potatoes in deep oil, cola and turnip, Jerusalem artichoke, chickpeas, lentils, beans, apricots, broccoli, onions and garlic, followed by two meetings that lasted longer than expected and did not allow him to vacate, thus deciding the fate of two women.

To the regret of Mrs. N.S. And Mrs. L.P. Standing behind him, he did not control his sphincters, or did not want to control, and the rest, as they say, is particularly stinking history.

The emergency crews who broke down the elevator door had nothing left to do but smell the horror. Three of them vomited in the hallway, another dripped blood from his eyes and another forgot his cell phone in the car.

L.P. died on the spot, one final look full of disgust, astonishment and terror on her face. One hand blocked her nose, the other grabbed her throat. In her last moments she longed for clean air, in vain.

Attempts to resuscitate N.S. failed on the way to the hospital. Cause of death: stench.

Luckily for G.R., he was born a anosmic and so was not at all aware of the commotion that occurred behind him during the journey up.

He went down the desired floor and continued his day as usual, until police knocked on his door with an arrest warrant. The charge: causing death by negligence. Oh the irony – the release will cost him some prison time.

G.R.’s attorney claims that it’s not G.R. who needs to be sued, but his sphincters. The sphincters’ attorney preferred not to comment at this point, saying he would keep his claims to trial.

The prosecution has announced that it will soon declare war on another veteran enemy: children peeing in the pool.

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8 amazing places you have to visit before you die today

thedog_admin — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 20:49:10 +0000

You may not have time to enjoy the memories of this vacation, but maybe your next of kin will be able to tell about it in the obituary

You always wanted to visit Sicily, but suddenly realized you had a knife stuck in your neck?

Have you always dreamed of taking your family on a cruise in the Caribbean but to your huge surprise you woke up without kidneys?

Here are the hottest destinations for the next ten minutes, and it doesn’t even cost much.

1. Stairwell

Available, close, and always full of cigarette butts.

If you want to stay optimistic, then you can only step up from here. Make your way to the top.

2. Living room of your next door neighbors

It is said that the grass is always greener on the other side. This is an opportunity to see if this is true.

And who knows, if they are at home maybe they can call an ambulance.

3. The view from the window

If you are lucky (relatively speaking) and you are in a room with a window, and if you are even luckier and you are close to it, and if you are luckiest and there is a beautiful view from this window, then here you go.

4. The Caribbean

Assuming of course you happen to be in the Caribbean when the worst of all happened.

If not, then it’s really not your day.

5. "The Dog Ate My News" website

We are always available.

In the last few minutes smile enjoy a wide range of articles with rich, engaging, intelligent content and most importantly very very false.

We even have an article on amazing places you have to visit before you die today.

Recommended.

6. Hospital

A crowded place, dramatic in a bad way, creates a life and death atmosphere right from the beginning, and always smells like bleach.

And who knows, with proper care, you will even travel in the distant future to more hospitals.

7. Toilet

Available anywhere, at home or outside, and in the last minutes of your life there really is no need to be picky.

You can sit back, relax, and let go. Just let go.

That others will clean it later.

8. Afterlife

This is the irrevocable (truly irrevocable) invitation to see if everything you have heard of is indeed true, and most importantly, which religion was right.

Wouldn’t it be funny you prayed for the wrong god all this time?

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Bitten to death by 117 kittens

thedog_admin — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 21:08:59 +0000

The only thing worse than being preyed upon by kittens is to win the grand prize in the lottery and then be preyed upon by kittens.

Bernard S. Hole ended his life last night in a particularly horrific way.

It all started when Mr. Hole returned from another day of work as a sand grain counter at the Coast Guard, when he encountered a rather violent gang of kittens, known of course as Felis Catus.

Police who arrived at the scene were able to identify only tooth and elbow fractures. “I have never seen anything like this,” a blind policeman who came to the scene told us.

The street kittens, who make a living mostly as models in illustration images, seem to have been particularly hungry, and mistakenly thought Mr. Hole for a saucer of milk.

Another hypothesis by the researchers claims that those were not 117 kittens at all, but a cannibal tribe that lives near the central station. A spokesman for the cannibal tribe denied any connection to the case. “We were in the middle of lunch,” provided a satisfying alibi. We have not been able to get the lunch response so far.

The tragic event once again flooded the stray cats problem, which is so characteristic of the widespread neglect in city. Some people demonstrated in favor of neutering and spaying cats, while some cats demonstrated in favor of neutering and spaying humans. The cockroaches wished good luck to both sides.

The investigators summoned the puppies for questioning, and so far they have been devoutly reserving their right to howl.

Mr. Hole’s response could not be obtained so far.

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How to summon the Devil in 6 simple steps

thedog_admin — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 09:54:41 +0000

After it was scientifically proven to exist, here is the fastest and most effective way to summon Satan just to say hello and thank you for everything.

Beelzebub has not paid a visit for a long time, and maybe he just doesn’t know the way. With this simple and understandable guide, any mortal can raise the immortal. So what are you waiting for?

Step One: The Ingredients

Like any effective and good demon summoning, here too we will need some simple ingredients that every home has:

A tooth of a gnat that was voluntarily burned alive
Hair of a purple worm without sisters
A pinch of virgin frogs blood boiled in winter
Plumbus – Everyone has one
New Jersey
Testicle of an old man without an academic degree
Half a liter of swelling remains of a camel crushed to death by a grand piano

Step Two: Good mood

Not particularly unique to summoning the Prince of Darkness. It is always recommended to do everything with a big smile on your face, a hug and a kind word.

Step three: Take a deep breath, and put everything in a bowl

Before you begin it is important to lower your heart rate, relax and let the moment do its thing.

Pour all the ingredients into a large bowl, and mix until the hand hurts.

At this point, the mixing rate should be increased until the hand bleeds. If the hand falls that means you mixed too much. Add the hand to the bowl and continue to mix with the other hand.

Step Four: Prayer

Now that everything is mixed and smoke is starting to rise, it’s time to mumble the summons prayer. Satan has never been closer. Repeat the following psalm eighteen times, preferably according to the melody “MMMbop” by Hanson:

Oh sweet Devil

I miss you so

Miss your eyes and beautiful horns

Come join us you big stud

So come already

Please please please

I won’t bite

Come on man

Please

Shit man

Just come

Step Five: Continue

The accession of the serpent is difficult and exhausting, and some say it is because it is very steep.

If you already see the Devil’s head, give him a hand and help him climb. If he refuses, allow him to increase his pace. Patience has not killed anyone yet. The devil did.

Step Six: The Connection

So now that he’s here, share with Satan everything you wanted to tell him.

If he wants to hold your hand, let him. If he wants to impale you in the fire of hell for eternity, it’s a good time to run away as fast as you possibly can.

You should have thought about that before you summoned the Demon King.

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7 ways to get rid of a body in the river

thedog_admin — Mon, 07 Sep 2020 10:15:32 +0000

We didn't say that you did it, but it is better to get rid of it fast. And no, we're not talking about your excess weight.

1. Reeds

A bank of every river has its own reeds. We know this because we’ve seen it in a few movies. They will hide everything except prophets in a basket.

2. Near a wolf den

If there is a wolf den living by the river, they will make the deceased disappear forever. It’s called brunch.

It is recommended to maintain a safe range of 3-4 kilometers, so that you won’t join it as a last course.

3. In the current

If anyone finds the deceased, it will be far from you, and the noise of running water will confuse the talented detectives.

Just make sure that this is not a seasonal stream.

4. Under a rock

It is heavy, it is large, and it is as strong as a rock.

Not every river has rocks, so if necessary gravel stones can do the job too.

5. Near the other bodies

In a row, column, or stack. For your consideration and your wild imagination.

Just be careful not to get caught in the act. Such cases have a tendency to get to the news.

6. Fish food

The river is basically a large aquarium just without the glass container, the filter equipment, the fake corals and the little treasure chests.

There are fish there and they are hungry. If you find piranha fish, just keep your distance.

7. Nile

The longest river in the world offers you not just one bank, but two! 4,132 kilometers of sheer pleasure, full of hiding places, pits, reeds, and also quite a few Egyptians, Ugandans, Burundians, Eritreans, Tanzans, Sudanese, Chadians, Kenyans and Rwandans, who better not notice you do what you do.

To sum up: getting rid of a body in the river is like watching porn – it is better to do it in private, unless you have a partner with a very open mind.

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Research: Drinking 4 glasses of water per day increases the probability to be run over by a truck

thedog_admin — Sun, 06 Sep 2020 13:46:27 +0000

A reseach made by well-known college found that drinking 4 glasses of water a day drastically affects your chances of being run over by a truck. All the details inside.

Have you been told that drinking water is important? That it is critical for your health? That if you do not drink, a policeman will come? Think again.

A study from a well-known college determined that drinking 4 glasses of water a day reduces the chance of dehydration, thus increasing the chance that you will leave the house at some point instead of being buried at the closest grave.

Such an exit from the house increases the probability that you will eventually cross the road, and in direct conclusion it increases your chances of being run over, among other things, by a truck.

The study did not determine what type of truck it was.

One researcher hinted that it would be worthwhile to occasionally look left and right before crossing the road. Another investigator drank 4 glasses of water and was unfortunately run over to death, so we could not get his response.

Further studies from around the world confirm these results.

Researchers from Lapland have gone out of their way and claimed that drinking 4 glasses of water causes the evil eye, especially during full moon nights, when emotional fog covers the moist soil, tears softly, and an expression of horror in its imaginary eyes. However, statistically the study has a significance of 0.07, so a large part of the scientific community did not accept the conclusions as published.

Researchers from Istanbul have argued that drinking a lot can cause urination, and therefore causes the rising of water levels which causes floods, in which huge trucks are washed away by the powerful current and crush everything in their path.

Researchers from a small university in Maseru, the capital of Lesotho, have warned that drinking 4 glasses of water a day can do much more harm. People who survive because they drink water regularly can cause harm not only to themselves. They are able to drop a piano on the head of an innocent passerby, commit a massacre and even go to war. Researchers called living people a “ticking bomb.”

The most amazing study was conducted in the Pacific Ocean, and included a truck, 4 glasses of water and a brave experimenter. He was run over after drinking 3 glasses so the study could not be completed.

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