The only thing worse than being preyed upon by kittens is to win the grand prize in the lottery and then be preyed upon by kittens.
Bernard S. Hole ended his life last night in a particularly horrific way.
It all started when Mr. Hole returned from another day of work as a sand grain counter at the Coast Guard, when he encountered a rather violent gang of kittens, known of course as Felis Catus.
Police who arrived at the scene were able to identify only tooth and elbow fractures. “I have never seen anything like this,” a blind policeman who came to the scene told us.
The street kittens, who make a living mostly as models in illustration images, seem to have been particularly hungry, and mistakenly thought Mr. Hole for a saucer of milk.
Another hypothesis by the researchers claims that those were not 117 kittens at all, but a cannibal tribe that lives near the central station. A spokesman for the cannibal tribe denied any connection to the case. “We were in the middle of lunch,” provided a satisfying alibi. We have not been able to get the lunch response so far.
The tragic event once again flooded the stray cats problem, which is so characteristic of the widespread neglect in city. Some people demonstrated in favor of neutering and spaying cats, while some cats demonstrated in favor of neutering and spaying humans. The cockroaches wished good luck to both sides.
The investigators summoned the puppies for questioning, and so far they have been devoutly reserving their right to howl.
Mr. Hole’s response could not be obtained so far.